He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
