Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
