I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
