It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
