Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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