..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
