i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
