The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
