I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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