wakey wakey hands off snakey
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
