On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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