The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
