I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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