3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
