I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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