My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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