My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
