You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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