and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
