Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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