There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
