So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
