My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Are my feet made of real feet?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
