Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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