Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
