So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
