Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
