You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
