My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
