I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
