He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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