dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize