So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
