Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize