Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
