something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
