Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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