I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
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