I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
