Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
