Only a mothe r could love this liver
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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