perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
