Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
