There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You made out with two different species that night
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
