Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
