i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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