a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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