So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
