after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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