plz talk dirty to me
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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