I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
