By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
