Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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