I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
