when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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