My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
