I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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