I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
